85 185 915

85 185 915, originally uploaded by Qathi.

YIP2009085 "Year in Pictures 2009" © 2009 Qathi Hart

hike

the last two weeks have sucked donkey, and shows no signs of letting up. I anticipate worse, and worse after that, with no fucking good to come from any of it.

Just today alone has me fighting myself, trying to not actually rip my hair out or actually pound myself in the face. I've reassembled my keyboard twice; I can't find my top row 5 anywhere. And I broke my phone by pounding it into smithereens. I've been in tears every 10 minutes for a week, my heart is doing gymnastics in my chest and my digestion is fighting against me. Why tell you this? Honesty. Why not. why should I hide that I'm enraged about nothing. It's who I am. I've always been this way. The more I learn about anger the more I understand that I have no responsibility for being this way - I'm just responsible to not show it - and I'm responsible for other peoples anger as well - so I get to carry around every bodies anger and fucking keep my mouth shut and be diplomatic all the time. I don't have the credentials or the merit to utilize the anger for positive change. I just get to keep it all quite. The keeper of the anger. That's me.

I was accepted to school but I can't afford to start. that's frustrating
among other things, such as taxes.