Summer Reading pt 2

As I finished this book, The Chronology of Water: A Memoir, by Lidia Yuknavitch, I wanted to chuck it really hard so that it would break something - smash a window with it, shatter something to a billion bits with it. My gut reaction to being hurt by someone is to throw things, not at anyone or anything, just throw shit, hard. To get out the electrical impulses that charge my muscles. Lightening fast and full of force. Throw stuff. Break stuff. Pound on stuff. I don't like it when people invoke this reaction in me. I want to avoid it so nobody sees this side of me. And here I am honestly saying it's in me. If I don't let people in they won't see it. Rage. Hell, I don't want to see it or feel it, "Ignore it and it will go away" my mom would say. I recently told her that was a crock of shit and that it doesn't actually work in the real world. She raised her eyebrows at me and continued munching on her dinner. I think that ignoring rage, squashing it down and stuffing it back into it's hole just makes it worse. Let it blurp out and be done with it.

This book poked at my memories of rage. Made me look at my reactions to thoughts, triggered tears and reminded me of what I still have to be angry about. I generally don't cotton to the antagonist types - they piss me off. I don't let people do this to me and when they do I get rid of them. So why did I keep reading this book? To see how it ends. Would it be prophetic for me? To learn a happy ending is possible? I suppose if we didn't get a happy beginning and didn't have a happy middle - it's possible to bloom late and have some happy later.

After the midpoint of the book which illustrates an event or two that enable the author to surface from her efforts to cease feeling the arch turns quickly to magical forests and unicorn pewp with minor forays that touch back to the previous lives of squashing pain and rage she tells of. The rebirth as a new person is almost too quick to be believable.

As antagonizing as this book has been for me I appreciate that it has forced tears up from dark-deep places within me that haven't had their due attention. I appreciate that I had to stop, take breaks to write about my reactions. I appreciate that this thing acted like that good honest maybe jerky friend who tells truths about you that hurt and cause you to change.

I don't know you Lidia Yuknavitch - but fuck you and thank you. You've given me a glimmer of hope that I may learn to have some true joy in this life.

"If your marriage goes busto, make up a differnt you. If the family you came from sucked, make up a new one. Look at all the people there are to choose from. If the family you are in hurts, get on the bus. Like now."

Fuck yeah.

I'm on Kathrin Jean Gallaher v.4 dba Qathi Hart. Looking forward to revamping the plan as soon as I get some user data back from the focus groups.